college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
