Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I need a beard to bite.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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