Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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