her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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