I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
