i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
