he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize