There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
