Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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