My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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