he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
