Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
