Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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