I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
