I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
