so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
