So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
