Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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