I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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