Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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