my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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