Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize