I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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