that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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