is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
