Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
