last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
