I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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