Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Threesome in a minivan. New low
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
