theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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