and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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