Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
