Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
