My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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