Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm like, not good at living.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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