wanna go halves on a baby?
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
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