Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize