Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
