im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
