I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The beer is more important than you right now.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
