dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
