Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
