Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You can't just leave with hair like that
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
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