my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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