Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Randomize
