OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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