the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
