She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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