there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
