Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
