the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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