I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize