Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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