I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
