how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
