i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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