dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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