Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
