My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize