My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
