I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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