I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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