Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
